Saturday, November 30, 2013

Back to Innocence

I saw the french film, Blue is the Warmest Color. I went because my acting coach kept asking me, after I would call her or text her about something completely different, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE YET??" This post isn't a review of the movie, which is, in a few words, incredibly long but incredibly raw, sensual, provocative, stimulating and disturbing, and most of all, primal.
There is one sex scene that is reminiscent of porn and goes on for 7 minutes which I HAD NO IDEA about and I went to see it alone so I couldn't turn around and say "can you fucking believe it??" to anyone but myself.

All sex aside, the movie is courageous, daring and brilliant, and what it did for me on a human level was to remind me of  innocence and the lack thereof. Particularly in actors (including me sometimes).

As an actress, I have to remind myself that my loyalty is to the character I play and the realness of that. I'm no fucking Meryl Streep but I do take my acting seriously and I do want to grow and evolve so much that my audience is moved, like I was by the movie, to remember what it means to live, to love, and more importantly, to connect with the innocence of simply being a human just finding her own way. Sometimes (a lot of times) we actors are lured and seduced into the glamour of Hollywood and we forget that 99.9% of the world is living in a world made up of different priorities & experiences.



 Most of the roles we play aren't of actors and we spend so much time pursuing our acting careers and living in isolation (being an actor can be very isolating but that's an entry for another day) that Hollywood is far from the reality of the characters we are trusted to portray. In this town, it's not easy to find intimate relationships or friendships that are about something...or that stretch you into a full person. Blue is the Warmest Color reminded me again (thank God) that's its ok not to know things. That its ok to be curious, it's ok to make mistakes, to fall in love, to not be perfect. It's ok to be ashamed sometimes, to be afraid. It's ok to be young and stupid, to want more, to be angry or persistent, to be vulnerable, to love so desperately and eagerly you beg for love or forgiveness so much so that snot hangs out of your nose as you practically crawl on your hands and knees and beg someone to listen to what's important to you. It's ok to be primal.


Living in Hollywood, one can become terribly disconnected from what makes us who we are and the film reminded me of when I was 13 years old and in love with my eighth grade teacher. To this day it is a taboo subject--a man and a child having a romantic relationship-- but I did and it was something more than dysfunction to me. I was curious and daring and I didn't know better because at that age all you are is instinctual. Last night,  I was reminded about how I've spent so much of my life covering that up and being ashamed of it. As an actress, I can dig deep and use it and be thankful for that difficult time in my life because it's just another story in the sea of human experiences and that is enough to make it mean something profound-- but actress aside, after seeing the film, for the first time in a long time, I was reminded of my innocence in spite of so much life I've lived and so much I've done and I fell back in love with that little girl inside of me who just wanted to feel her heart pulse for another human being. 

Innocence is something we don't have to lose. If you let it,  it can lead you right into the center of your heart. No matter what you've done or where you've been or what you've seen, there is still a part of all of us that longs for the pureness that comes from seeing life through innocent eyes and it's ok to do that in a world that seems to encourage mechanism to keep us from feeling ourselves.  xo


17 comments:

  1. I agree, our innocence is and always should be kept as a reminder to our inner struggles and growth. I havent seen the film but will check it out. Great blog thank you Nadine

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  2. I really like your new blog Nadine, keep up the good work! Paul

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  3. Wow lady....confirming what so many of us thought..and...wow....im so sorry you went through that and ...i dont even know what to say....

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  4. You have no idea how much this article helped me. Thanks for being brave enough to share.

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  6. you have a beautiful soul and you process your experiences in such a thoughtful, helpful manner. This made me think of old hurts in a new, different light. Thanks.

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  7. Great post, not only are you a talented actress, but a talented writer as well...

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  8. WIse words, Nadine. Thank you for being you. <3

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